Tenebrous Life
by Garrett TC
Summary: AU. A different look at life after Buffy's resurrection. (B/A, W/T, X/A and B/S)
1. Chapter 1

TITLE: Tenebrous Life

AUTHOR: Garrett TC

EMAIL: garrett_tc@hotmail.com

RATING: PG, for now.

COUPLES: B/A and a little W/T and X/A (B/R and B/S, but just in references)

SPOILERS: Seasons 1 through 5 and Bargaining. It goes AU after that.

DISCLAIMER: All the characters belong to Me, WB and UPN. And of course, the man, Joss Whedon. I'm just borrowing them.

FEEDBACK: I love it. The good, the bad and the ugly. I welcome it all.

DISTRIBUTION: You want it, ask. I usually say yes

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Ok, so this is the first Buffy story that I'm posting. It's probably going to be long, so be warned. Oh, and I'm really bad at titles. Any suggestions are welcome.

  
  
  
  


Buffy's POV

  
  


I remember thinking about heaven when I was a little girl. Sometimes, when the LA nights were too hot and foggy, Dawn and I would stay up late and talk about it. We'd go on about clouds, angels and a free arcade. It's funny, because I know how off base we were. I shouldn't say funny, I should say sad. Heaven was..., well it was a lot different than I expected. It wasn't really a place, it was more like a state of mind. Like that feeling you get after eating a big meal with friends and family. You just wanna sit back, relax and let the digesting begin. You're not thinking of anything. Not of life, or the problems that come with it. You just are. That's it.

Now it's definitely funny that I'm comparing heaven to pigging out, but it's the truth. 

In movies and on tv, they say your life flashes before your eyes. Well, it doesn't. There's nothing like that. And you don't see a bright light, or a long, endless tunnel. You don't have a body anymore, so it was a little strange at first. I had always been in good shape. I was perfectly in tune with my body. So, it was really annoying when I couldn't even move. But then, I felt myself be, I don't know, drawn to somewhere.

Then, I was moving. I was going so fast I wasn't sure what was going on. Colors and shapes were flashing by my eyes and I almost felt like I was spinning. I was suddenly thankful I didn't have a body, because I knew I'd be sick if I did. I was never good at the whole 'ride' thing.

Then, I suddenly stopped.

I always expected to see the 'Pearly Gates' when I died. One of those saints, I think Paul or Peter, would greet me. They'd be totally impressed by all my good deeds, and let me in. Then, I'd see my mom. That was what I used to dream about; my mom. 

The fact that no one was waiting to welcome me into heaven, or wherever I was didn't bug me. I always hated standing there like an idiot when someone would thank me for saving them. I always felt it was pointless and embarrassing. Like when you go out for diner on your birthday, and all the waiters gather around your table and sing to you. All you can do is sit there, smiling at no one in particular. You can't wait till it's all over. So, the absence of a welcome comity was a plus.

But the fact that I never saw my mom....that made me feel like I was in hell. I was devastated. But then, this feeling suddenly passed through me. My mom was safe, and happy wherever she was, and I felt great comfort knowing that. I just stopped worrying about things. I didn't care that watching me die probably destroyed Dawn in a way. It didn't bother me that there were dozens of demons to be slain that had escaped the portal. Hell, I didn't even think about what my friends must be feeling. The pain and the loss that must have been consuming them. I knew that they loved me, and that they would understand why I did what I did.

That's when I knew that I was in heaven; when didn't care about all the burdens in my life. And it felt so good to not care. Well, not that I didn't care, I just didn't think about it. I felt the way I always wanted to. The way I felt before I was called. Before the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I felt at peace for the first time in my life. Well, not in my life, obviously. Make that the first time ever. And being ripped out of there, it did something to me I never thought possible. Dying at the master's hands didn't do it. Losing Angel to Angelus was one of the worst moments of my life. Then having to send him to hell was devastating but I survived. Losing Faith to the dark side and the breakup was a double whammy, but I kept on going. Riley's betrayal and mom's death almost pushed me to edge, but I came back, as always. 

But, what happened to me, being pulled out of paradise, that did the unthinkable. It broke me. Being forced to live in a world where all that pain, all that suffering exists again. And knowing it was my friends, that was the worst. They were so proud of what they had done. They didn't even see my pain, didn't even see me. 

When they brought me back I was miserable. And there was only one thing I wanted. It was the one thing I was cursed to always want, but never have. I bet you can get what, or should I say who, it was. So, when everyone finally calmed down, and I had a chance to settle into my life again, I sat down for my first real 'talk' with Willow.

I found her alone in her room. She was sitting on her bed reading some book. The house was empty, except for the two of us. I watched her for a while. She was on the same page for about five minutes. I thought it was weird because, hello! This is Willow, super genius. Ms. "I-can-read-an-average-of-150-words-a-minute." I could tell she couldn't concentrate. So, I took pity on her and knocked softly on the door. Her head snapped up, and her eyes turned to me immediately. I could tell she'd been expecting me.

"Hey, Buffy. What's up?" she said. She had that look on her face. That proud look that said "I just saved her form an eternity in hell." If she only knew.

"Um, not much." I was still kind of shaky from the resurrection and totally uncomfortable around everyone, bu there was no way I was going to tell her that. "Can I, um... Can I talk to you about something?"

Her eyes lit up and a huge smile broke out on her face. She closed her book and sat up straight. She was all too eager to talk.

"Sure. You know you can tell me anything, Buffy"

"Yeah, I know Will." I was trying to be polite, but I just wanted to tell her and get it over with. I crossed my arms over my chest and kept my body taught, and aware. I hadn't been able to relax since I came back, and being nervous didn't help.

"I, uh, need you to do something for me."

She was getting really excited. "Yeah, sure. What do you need?" Her smile grew.

I knew it was now or never. "I...I need you to take me to LA."

There was a huge pause and a look of shock spread across her face. I could tell she wasn't expecting that.

"I need to see Angel."

  
  


  
  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

Willow's POV

  
  


"Angel? Um, Buffy are you sure that's what you need right now?" I ask in a careful voice. 

It's not that I don't want her to see him, I do. I know that deep down she still loves him. Of course she does. He was a huge part of her life for three years. And I know for a fact that he still loves her. I could see it in his eyes when I told him..., well, when I was in LA. So, there's no doubt in my mind that the love is still there. It's just, well, the Buffy/Angel love affair is famous for being angst-ridden and painful.

"I think he deserves to know I'm alive, Wills." she stops for a second and her brows knit tightly together, a frown marring her features. "I mean, you did tell him I was dead didn't you?"

"Of course!" I shout, automatically, and a little too loudly. How could she even think that?

When a guilty spread across her face, I realize that I must have said the last part aloud. But as quickly as it was there, the look is gone, replaced by her familiar 'mellow look' as Dawn had dubbed it. We've seen a lot of that in the short time she's been back.

"I'm sorry. I've been kinda" she hesitates for a second, but quickly catches herself, "not myself lately."

"It's okay, Buffy." putting my best 'understanding face' on. "We all know how it must have been for you in.." I don't want to say it. I know it was horrible for her there. It must have been. Why else would she be like this? "..hell. And we understand that it's gonna take sometime for you to adjust." I get up from my position on the bed and cross the room in long strides to take her hand. "But we're here for you Buffy. All the way."

She doesn't say anything. We stand the like that, holding hands, for a few minutes. Before long the silence becomes unbearable. I need her to say something, anything. Her gaze slowly lower to our joined hands and rests there for a while. Then, she tenses and pulls from my grip, crossing her arms again. Her eyes dart around the room, looking at anything but me.

"Um, yeah." she whispers quietly under her breath. 

She still uncomfortable about her death. That much is obvious. I just wish she'd talk to me. Then, I think back to the things Buffy told me a couple of years ago. Back when we found out that Angel was back. I remember she broke down in my lap and told me all about his condition when he first returned. How different he was. She had to deal with him all by herself then. She was all he had. But, it's different now. We're all here for Buffy, and all she wants is Angel. I guess things haven't changed that much after all.

"Look, Buffy" I say with a sigh, "if you really think it'll help you...."

"It will." she cuts me off before I can finish. "I know it will. I just want to make sure he knows I'm okay. He must be hurting so much. He is isn't he?" she shakes her head, realizing what she just said. "I mean, how did he take it? Y'know, the fact that I....died."

I can tell she needs some reassurance when it comes to Angel. She always did.

"You don't have anything to worry about, Buffy." I say calmly. "It's obvious that you're still a huge part of him." I thought about telling her for a few seconds; about the way he reacted when he saw me sitting there at the hotel. It was so strange. It was so un-Angel of him. I mean, he's always been known as Mr. "I-don't-let-anyone-know-what-I'm-feeling". I know that for a fact. I spent many Friday nights listening to Buffy complain about it. To see him just break down like that.... It threw me.

"But, Willow," Buffy starts, "we haven't been together in a long time. How can you be so sure he still feels that way about me?" she asks. Her voice is was always different when she talked about Angel, and this time was no different. It sounds small and child-like. Ashamed and afraid. Nothing like the girl I know. Well, used to know.

My feet were kinda hurting. Raising the dead has a tendency to do that to you. So, I turned and made my way to my bed. I was surprised when I heard my friend's footsteps mimicking mine. I think that was the first time she unconsciously did something like that. Usually, she's a tight ball of nerves, just hanging out in the doorway. Not quite taking part in the conversation, but still there, nonetheless.

Once we sat down next to each other on the soft comforter, I finally started talking.

"Do you still love him?" I asked, straight and to the point. 

She look kind of surprised, but not really. I think she knew the question was going to come up sooner or later when she announced her need to visit him. She hesitated for a few seconds. But after that, her voice came out clearer and stronger than it had since her return.

"You know I do." And to my surprise, she looked me square in the eyes. There was so much more in those hazel orbs than what she said. Anyone could see that. But, something was holding her back. Something had her tied down inside. And I guess she thought that Angel was the only one who could release her.

"Then why would it be any different for him?" I ask, and I honestly want to know.

"Oh, I don't know." she answers with a small sigh. "Maybe the fact that he left me?"

"Buffy, you know he only did what he thought was best for you. He.." I was cut off before I could finish.

"Yeah, well I'm sick and tired of people thinking they know what's best for me!" she spits out. I jumped back a little at the sound of her voice. I didn't see that coming.

"I just wish, for once in my life, that people would stop butting in and just let things happen. Everyone seems to know what I need. But you know what? You don't! So just stay out of it!" And with that, she stormed out of the room, leaving me to wonder what I'd said wrong. 


End file.
